Eight Months in London

Mince pies are bad, sorry

Lianna Holston

Dec 20, 2023

Hello from Heathrow where I am about to absolutely fuck up a Pret croissant.

Thanks to a bank for sending me this email - ‘tis the season to be financially delusional.

I’m leaving town because it has been Christmas in London for two months and, respectfully, I am over it.1

Twenty-Four Perfect Hours in Hull

Some would argue there is no such thing. How about you shut the hell up!

Board the 09:38 train from King’s Cross to Hull. It departs from Platform 0, which it turns out is not a prank.

Enjoy views of very muddy countryside and spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the Great War.2

Arrive in sunny(?!) Hull and immediately turn the wrong way out of the train station. Do a confident 180 to your correct destination.

Fall down the same flight of stairs your flatmate fell down weeks ago.3 Which you, at the time, laughed about when they told you. Karma is a bastard.

Enjoy a lovely Greek lunch with more feta cheese than you’ve intentionally consumed in legitimately years.

Stepping out of the daily agenda for a moment: everyone (and I do mean everyone) I know in the UK replied “I’m so sorry” when I told them I was going to Hull at the weekend. I get it, it’s fun to do a communal razz, and I’m SORRY but I had a lovely time!

Is twenty-four hours probably the correct number of hours to spend in that town? Maybe! Did I enjoy myself during them? Yes!4

Ok, back to the sched.

After your 2-3pm lunch you’ll want to go for a walk around town, as the sun will be setting in about 45 minutes.

You’ll notice that Hull is very into Queen Victoria for some reason. There are statues of her everywhere.5

There is a chance the sunset might be fucking gorgeous. I cannot promise you’ll experience this but I was glad to!

Like…what the hell??? Or should I say *what the Hull* haha

Watch your flatmate absolutely SLAY in the Hull Truck Theatre’s production of Pinocchio (now playing through 31 December! Tickets here).

Go for drinks with the cast because you are extremely cool and, unlike a lot of the audience, not a child. Performatively take shots of the cheapest tequila the bar has on offer with your flatmate. You will both semi-regret this because it has been months since either of you has taken a shot of anything besides amoxicillin.

Sleep better than you have in weeks because the mattress you’re on is actually high quality and not just There When You Moved In.6

It’s Saturday morning, and you know what that means:

Brunch!

Wait in a long line at the bar to ask for two glasses of tap water, only to be told there’s a water station just next to the bar which you couldn’t see because it was behind a structurally integral PILLAR.7

Do what you do best and demolish a shakshuka.

Before catching your train home, walk to look at the sea which it turns out is actually a river that leads to the sea but close enough!

Once again be struck at the train station by just how bad World War I was:

“Wow,” you might think. Then you turn and see that every pillar in this hall has one:

There were even more pillars at the other end of the hall. The war was BAD.

Take the train back to Platform 0 and wonder if this whole trip was a little fever dream because your body cannot handle winter and you’ve had the sniffles for weeks. But don’t worry: the emerging bruise on your ass will prove it was all real :’)

Share Lianna in London

Three things I saw in London this week:

My new workplace is one block away from literal Bedlam. Bodes well.
My yoga pants, rekt by a loose tile in the alley that was hiding a vindictive puddle of rainwater.
This dog who is smol enough to nap on a PIZZA BOX :’)